I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So much Jack, so little girl.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
