OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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