I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
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Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
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I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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