The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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