Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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