Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
