Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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