a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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