Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You're a waste of cheezeits
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
