Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
