we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
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It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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