You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
