i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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