Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize