Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
