just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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