just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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