umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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