Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
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You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
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Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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