We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
