I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
