shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
