i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
