i just google imaged poop.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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