when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
