Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
