smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
