I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."