dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
