tell your sister to shave her snatch
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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