The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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