MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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