We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
