Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
