I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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