it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
