the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
