I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
