I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
