he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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