Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
