Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You were trust falling into bushes
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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