We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
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phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
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I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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