Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
