my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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