remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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