6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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