You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
