if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
