Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
