My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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