Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
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