Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
