at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
