I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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