Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
