Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
