i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
