Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
