You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
