I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
